I was so physically and emotionally drained that I slept like a log. If it had not been for the continuing night sweats, I do not think that I would have woken at all. As it was, I think that I was able to just kick the covers off and on all night long without even really noticing.
The early morning light, seeping in through those ridiculously inefficient vinyl blinds, brought me out of my unconscious state and back to reality. Once again the tears just started flowing down my face. Mornings seem to be a particularly rough time of day. It is a quiet time when my brain has a way of slowly bringing reality to the surface. During the day when there is activity all around me, I can immerse myself in that activity and pretend as though my life hasn’t changed. In the early morning hours I have to face my new reality.
During this part of the day I can actually feel my diseased blood pumping through my veins. It pumps to every single part of my body. It is cancerous and I want to run from it. I want it gone from my body, drained and replaced with new healthy blood. I want it to be strong and red. I want it to nourish my entire body from the inside out. I want it to help my brain and all other organs to be strong. I want it to deliver oxygen and fight disease. I wonder if it will encourage other cancers to creep into other places. I want it to go away!
My pity party causes Joe to wake up and join me. He has been great. He allows me to have as many pity parties as I like, but never allows them to turn into wallowing. We decide to get up and enjoy the incredible weather in Palm Springs; after all, we are in one of the greatest places to be in February. I have a favorite little breakfast place just down the road. It is called “Bit O’ Country” and the food is delicious! Of course, once I get moving I become nauseous. I take a meclizine and head to Bit O’. Once there, instead of ordering my usual, eggs with the best home style potatoes full of onions and green peppers, I order oatmeal. So depressing! I am not even able to finish the bowl that they gave me; pity party number two underway.
Even though I am exhausted, it feels wonderful to be outside. We head down to Palm Desert to my daughter’s best friends health food store to do a bit of shopping. It is called Harvest Health Foods and Laura has everything under the sun in that store. She is very knowledgeable and I have known and loved her since she was six years old. I am so proud of her and the business that she has built.
Once we arrive, we go crazy! We bought organic everything. We were stuck in the desert for four more days and planned to cook most of our own meals to avoid being around too many people and too many germs. The tomato/basil pasta with broccoli and organic parmesan cheese and butter was the best meal I had had in a week. I ate so much that I was miserable all night long…….Note to Self!
We spent the rest of the day just holed up in the timeshare semi-comatose. I think that the previous week had finally caught up with the both of us and something like shock had set in. It is kind of like when a death occurs and you just go into auto-pilot. You do what you need to do, respond appropriately and function in a human capacity; the only difference is that you do all of these things without even realizing that you are doing them. Tomorrow is going to be a better day.
Thanks for taking the time and effort to write in such detail. It's hard to know you're going through this, but it helps to feel close to you during this time. Your amazing spirit and eloquence comes through in your words.
Oh, Jane...Thank you so much. Hopefully someday this will help someone that is newly diagnosed with leukemia.ReplyDelete
It was so great to see you at LAPD,
Love back atcha'!
Thank You, You do and are making a huge difference :)ReplyDelete